Self imposed isolation

Smelled the soap the hundredth time
and smiled to the cashier girl.
This pitch black winter felt so long
as if time itself had slowed down,
leaving all its days curled and overlapped,
swirled in a bowl of chickhen noodle soup.
I stood the watch.
They knew I'd never fall asleep
with mold-covered eyelids like these.
No matter how heavy they'd get,
I had just awakened.

But seeking life's magic
in such dull place as this,
(well maybe it was the mold)
was like roaming in a white hot desert,
lifting each and every stone in hope for a glitch
that would magically take me
to a unicorn-themed waterpark.
A vision I wanted to be true.
A dream-vacation from my situation.
But just like all my complex thoughts,
lines between the real and unreal
got twisted and kept bending as questions
of faith and belief formed above my head
and before I even knew, the lines had vanished
and I had no idea what was or was not.
Ideas kept swaying, shifting
giving me a hard time coming up with a final answer,
making it impossible to adjust the final decision.
What was I going to do now?
All signs on this crossroad
lead no-place desirable.
I tried to find insight in coffee tinted cups.
Sat and gazed at all the people.
Everything used to be so simple.
But my viewpoint had tilted
and everything I thought was good
became so very insignificant
compared to all the wrong, ugly and horrible.
And everything I once wanted to do
didn't seem appealing anymore.
It had lost its meaning.

Still I kept working,
counting all the hearts
which went beating through the gates,
imagining what kind of lives they lived
and what kind of hocus-pocus
they grew on their crops.
Keeping in mind their toxicity
because bunch of them are draining.
They sprinkle seeds of selfdoubt
in your hair when you're not watching
and their sad attempts to manipulate
you and make you believe that
their way of living is the only and best way to live.
They shame you with a simple change of tone,
but it is just their own insecurity
and I don't need their approval.

Wornout spirit,
I tried to recover,
a wrestle with belief and reality,
a typical fight between the heart and the brain.
"just follow your heart" he said
and made it sound like an easy thing to do.
Brain is a total dick
it wrecks all interesting emotions
til there's nothing left but fear.
So this was a lesson learnt.
I know now what feelings are for.

Ideas are hard to tame.
I wanted my perception
to be somewhat raw and pure,
and in order to keep it from contamination
I wandered off.

Isolating myself.